Letting go isn't easy - but it IS worth it!

A wise teacher of mine once looked me in the eyes when I was struggling to release into a movement and said 'letting go isn't easy'. It was a simple statement but the intent behind his words were powerful.

They have stuck with me every since, and time and time again the statement floods into my brain when I am struggling with movement, or with life!

I have a love / hate relationship with letting go! I actually love the feeling of release in my body when it happens and the sense of moving forward into a new outlook. But the process of getting to letting go can be fairly tumultuous for me!

I have a previous history of long term stress, anxiety and mental illness (a blog for another day which I promise I will write). For a good couple of decades I held onto fears, beliefs and feelings that were no good for me and certainly no good for my body. I held myself so tightly together for fear of falling apart, that I could endure ridiculous physical pain and not even feel it. I once got root canal treatment done without any kind of anaesthetic. Says it all really! It was just normality for me though as I knew no different. Letting go was a concept far removed from me! 

Slowly over time I have learned to feel, and to let go - both physically and emotionally. Talking therapy healed my head, but movement and body work has been the truest healer for me. The same wise teacher sat with me as I bawled my eyes out in a session after moving my legs in a particular fashion, allowing me the time and space to cry. I couldn't understand why I was crying because I felt I'd done enough therapy and enough crying to last a lifetime, and, anyway, all I'd done is move my legs about. But he explained that releasing tension creates a shift of the previously trapped energy which once released needs to go somewhere. This can come out in various expressions of that energy. It could be a feeling of joyful energy, active energy or laughter. It can equally be in some ways in which we tend to socially control our reaction, for example crying or shaking. But either way, in order to fully release the held in energy we need to let it out as our body needs to express it. It was an eye opener to me that movement could cause such a reaction. Nobody was talking about this and I wondered how many other people were holding themselves back for fear of bursting in to tears. But it made sense to me, and during many sessions with my teacher as I released tension, I felt a sense of relief as the stress dissipated and as I allowed the held in emotions to come out. Talking therapy had done a lot but it had not fully tackled the physical patterns of holding and guarding that were left in my body. Here I could release without talking, just with knowing that I would not be judged for my reactions.  

My own movement training (pilates) was, eh, interesting! I held back nothing in order to learn both about myself and how clients might feel. Thankfully there were only a few outbursts of emotion. One where I famously told my trainer to 'f*** off out my face' before I went fleeing to the toilets in tears, another where I spent the afternoon with 15 relative strangers and with continuously wet and leaking eyes. The former is a classic example of the tumultuousness (is that actually a word??) that can happen prior to my letting go. The latter was much easier (for everyone!).

Letting go ISNT easy hard! For some people (like me), letting go needs to be given time, space and support in order for the process to happen. Force, pressure or feeling that something should be happening at a particular pace, or at all, will only serve to annoy the nervous system. For me, there is a lot going on inside. Physically I feel the stirrings of change inside and it is usually accompanied by an increase in my heart rate. This usually leads to anxiety of some degree about what is going to happen, how it will feel and how it will change me. A lot of self talk happens. Sometimes it's more an excitement about a change happening which I have been working towards for a while. Either way, my sympathetic nervous system (flight / fight / freeze) is being activated. I need to be in a supportive and calming environment where I feel I can allow the change to happen when it is ready, so that the parasympathetic (calming) nervous system is at play instead. Or else, tumultuality abounds (I'm sure that's not a word but I like it!)! That tumultuality (I'm sticking with it!) comes from my system essentially being stuck in acceleration with the brake on at the same time.... Not good! Holding on IS indeed harder! 

I find that the time between something stirring and the actual release and change can be so potent to tap into what is actually happening and why the tension exists in the first place. I can be so connected to my emotional system at that time that I am experiencing feelings that emulate those of previous situations  I have been in. A gamete of emotions may come up to the surface. When given time it can feel like watching a film for the second time, but with a wiser knowledge. To rush this, is to cut off this process of separating the held physical feeling from the historical facts which is where we learn to let go of our past and to live in the present.  

    

Now, I have to say that these days I seldom burst into tears spontaneously. I've learnt to calm the system enough and I know when certain environments or teachers won't work for me. I also go through phases of being content with where I'm at and others where I'm actively seeking help and support as I release and let go deeper. (I am working with a wonderfully talented bodywork therapist just now who is helping me to let go of some very long and deep held patterns - whimpering and shaking seem to be order of the day here!). Some would say I'm sensitive, and some days I'll agree. I've been called complex and complicated too - but aren't we all? I've learnt what works for me, and I'm perfectly happy with that! 

What I have also learnt though my last 6 years or so of letting go is to respect where others are at with this concept. Being that person and place of safety and support for someone as they let go and express themselves as they need to is probably the most rewarding aspect of my work. I understand completely how vulnerable that can be, and how privileged I am to be given that trust. Simply 'holding space' for someone to express fully can do so much healing.

I wonder at times what might have happened if that wise teacher had said instead 'just let go', as if it was so simple.... Would I have bullied my way though a movement never really understanding the depth to which it could take me? Would I have found another way to let go and heal my poor body and brain? Either way, he didn't say that and I'm always glad for the words 'letting go isn't easy'. 

So, I'm sharing them with you, with a little extra wisdom gained from experience... Letting go is not easy but it is so worth learning, because holding on is indeed harder and limits you from living the fullness of your potential. 

Til next time...

CT :-) xx